Once an Update

It's Mother's Day today, and it's Sunday. Well, i just realise how long have i didn't update my blog. 

I used to update it at least twice a month or so. Things changed, change. Same as for person. 

To be honest, I have extremely great fear of making friends, or close friends should I say.
I am not perfect. Well, I know no one in this world is. 

I don't call myself a generous person thou. I have a lot of imperfections. 

If you put me in a crowd of strangers, trust me, I'll only put myself in my position. 

Sometimes, I rather choose to do things alone, no matter how difficult it is. 

Well, except for some events/occasions, when I'm really having hard times and it's out of my zone. Then, thats the only time when reality forces me to move forward - away from my conform zone. 

It's not that I don't like to socialise, I do. It's just that I'm afraid of people left me or hurt me, whether directly or in a indirect way, when my true self is revealed.

 I know myself better than anyone else. 

My attitude, temper, bitch-ness etc. I want to keep people with me.
I want them to be my close friends. However, when one is close with one another, criticism issues tend to happen more. It ends, but again, happens.

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逃避

剛從泰國之旅回來 新年逼近 就越覺得焦慮 失眠已成常事 心更是常砰砰地跳
不停地在倒數著 不停地在想策略逃避

曾想過出國逃避 順便完成自己背包客的夢想 曾試著不刻意地和媽媽說起
果然 吵了好大一架 我媽說我自私 我說她不體諒
現在只要一閉著眼睛 仿佛能聽到看到 那把尖銳刺耳的刀

我常想 我的未來 為什麼需要向別人交代 為什麼需要被人批評 為什麼需要被人當作一個話題
我只能說 步步驚心 或許我和別人不一樣 每一個家庭都有屬於它自己的缺陷
我們總羨慕著其他人 那是因為在那一瞬間 我們只看到 他們光亮的那一面
我們的缺陷 或許在哪個我們不知道的瞬間 也成了別人羨慕的「那一樣羨慕品」

此刻的我 最需要的是勇氣～

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很多..很多

原本已經想上床睡覺了 卻還是想上來update下 實在太久沒好好寫一頓了
這個時間點 不想傷腦筋寫英文 中文体更能展現字體裡的感情 是而更融入他人

嗯 時間過的很快 快得生活地很充實 轉眼間 一年就這樣過了 我也就這樣畢業了
澳洲的生活我不想多說 原因是大致上沒什麼不同 況且大家也不是不熟悉
畢竟很多本地人都選擇到那留學

明年 － 大學 顯然得我還沒決定：哪所？哪科？
我不喜歡做決定 更何況是影響未來人生重要的決擇 我家庭並不富有
我不能說讀到一半沒興趣就換別的科系 我沒那個時間 也沒那錢 所以只要選擇了第一步
就務必要往後堅持得走下去 還記得1-2年前 當別人問我大學都讀什麼
我都會毫不猶豫得說CEO 大部分认识我的人都知道我的理想是想当一位女强人
是 这理想一直都默默藏在我心里 每当我遇到难题快要放弃的时候
就会很ss地幻想如果一天我真的在间世界之top50的大公司里当ceo
Wow 那种说不出的爽ness 难以形容 也因为这样我才更努力地走下去

可是在这现实的世界里 ceo不容易 外面有很多很多比我条件好更好的人
他们的梦想和我一样 可是他们的条件比我更好 好多倍 或许是她们
身材好 样貌好 学历好 背景好 不管任何一点 我都觉得我更本比不上她们
所以为何我不干脆选择一个安安稳稳 妥妥当当 薪水还不错的工作
我不喜欢和人争 和人比 更不喜欢耍小手段
我妈常和我说 是我的就是我的 不是你的不管你怎么强也不属于你的 我一直都坚信这个道理

Graduation的最後一天 各個學生的open topic都是what are you going to study in uni? which uni?
我都會笑著說i dont know 然後再反問一樣的問題 每一個學生都已經有個很確定的方向
even uni application都已經做好了 而我的preferences 確是隨便亂選的 頓時感覺自己很悲哀
突然很懷念以前的自己 很確定目標的那個自己 現在的我一點方向感都沒有

晚安

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Life's A Bitch

It's been awhile since I updated my blog previously. Well, it reminded me when I saw Lykai posted about her  blog on Facebook. I used to blog every fortnight in the past few years, but I have no idea why do I stopped for a long time. Laziness kills me, indeed. 

Hmm, I just don't know what to write. Perhaps too much on my mind.

Living in a foreign country by yourself is not easy at all. I'm staying with my aunt, so it might be a bonus for me? Not really. It actually doesn't make any difference. My school is full of blacks, not to racist, but yeah 30% of the students. The only I'm proud of YSHS is that, there are 52 nationalities students. Super duber mega-ber multicultural. 

I have not much close friend over here as the faces I see in every class are the same. Not to mention that my closet friends are all from China. One of the reason is we speak the same language, and the other is most of the international students here are from China. And that is why sometimes the other students thought that I'm from China too. That's a lil awkward, to be honest. LOL. 

I remember, that was a time when I was doing my Bio experiment, one of my subjects asked me :"Where do you bought your Mac? From China?" "Nope, from Malaysia." "Oh yeah, I thought you're from China!" Oh well, whatever. 

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Lifeless holidays

It's holidays now, it should be great, but it seems way too boring here in an island. There's nothing much to do. Shop? Oh no. Diving? Oh no. Picnic? Oh no.  

My daily routine has be, wake up - eat - watch movie - sleep, or wake up - outing - sleep. That is sooooooo lifeless. 

Well, recently, there are some business projects coming up. Hopefully, it would make my current life a lil bit meaningful. It's gonna be a huge project for me. I am just finger crossing that this proposal gonna be real and successful. It's my dream come true. 

Ermm. Thanks god. Things are getting better and better now. How I wish time could be turned back and memories could be remained. So, every time when we did something wrong, it could be get back to the original and have a good beginning again.

Previously, I've done a lot of mistakes in my life. A lot. But no regret. Those are the greatest memories that I could tell my future grandchildren. Well, i think they will be proud of me and think that their grandma was sooo sooo cool. Honestly, she was cool. HAHA.

By the way, I'd hope that people stop relating between us. It's an end. Most importantly, he has his new shoes and  I have my own life now. That is a completely different world. Whenever I met the same person, what I heard is 'Eh bla bla is not coming ah' 'Eh go and find your bla bla lah'. Oh dude, come on. Grow up please. It's soooo sooo annoying to hear the same name, the same sentences. The Hong Kong drama that you were watching live was over. So please, move your ass and stop talking about it. 

I'm just so pissed when people start relating the nonsense. It's has been almost 3 months. 

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